After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
