The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
