I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
