We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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