I met the friendliest cop last night
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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