Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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