this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
