Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
