For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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