This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
