I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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