Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
