New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
