they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This is my gift to your gina
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's shark week go big or go home
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
