I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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