I think i peed on brittanys purse
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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