I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
And then he peed in my hair
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