So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
