I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
