U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
