She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
