I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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