Little spoons don't ask big questions
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
