You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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