The best revenge is premature balding
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
