this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
