I'm lost and stupid without you.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
