i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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