I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
