I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
