Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
