the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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