i love accidental penises.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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