So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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