Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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