I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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