She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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