so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
