Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
