Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
