I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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