Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
