I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
