Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
