I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
40s are totally the cure
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
