I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i wish my penis had a tongue
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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