i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
