I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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