apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
