I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
