so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
