Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
