$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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